I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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