i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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