I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There r osticjed everywhere
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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