I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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