just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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