Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
