I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This girl is more easily done than said...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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