it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I could make wine with my vomit
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
