I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize