Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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