i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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