i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize