I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
