Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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