I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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