I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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