my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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