how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize