I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
