i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
