Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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