I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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