when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
