She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
