I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
