i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
wow bdsm is so cute
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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