I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
