im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
