i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
