hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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