There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
