maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
