I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
