My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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