My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
