just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the room spins SO much faster in panama
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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