She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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