Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
