Can Purell be used as lube?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
