Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(281): View more from Texas

the condom got lost in my hair

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(720): View more from Colorado

I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary

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(702): View more from Nevada

Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low

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