dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
