well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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