Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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