Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
