please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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