How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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