I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
