I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
