when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
