we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
