I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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