im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
