make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
