i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
