I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
