Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want nice things and good sex
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
