Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
