He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
