do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
