I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
