I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
