I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
