i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
