We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
