I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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