he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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