some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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