I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
